Brick wall

I am home and resting. The throat dilation went ok, i am of course in pain and my throat is very swollen and irritated. I have an appointment tomorrow with my nutritionist, the surgeons and my nurse practitioner. Its the same thing every week, gain weight, if you don't you will need a feeding tube. blah blah. I feel that i have been very patient and am tired of hearing what they want me to do, they tend to back me into a corner its an NG tube another picc line or some other form of extra nutrition. The truth is i am just tired of it. I normally am willing to do anything to get nutrition and get though this, the problem is...its just not ending. If Maybe they did the the swallow study back in December when radiation ended when i started to not be able to swallow, or anytime in between December and July most of what is happening now could have been easily avoided. All i had to do was swallow some die and in 2 minutes they figured out what was wrong. It is so frustrating looking back. Instead for 9 months i sat in that office once a week saying the same thing, i can't swallow i cant eat anything unless its water, juice or jello. They came up with the same answers they are giving me now a tube down my nose, a tube up my arm and into my neck or eat. Eating is a much easier option now i must say, but still they need to back off! I am beginning to feel like i am just running my into a brick wall over and over again, and trust me its not fun. I wish it would end. My frustration seems to come in waves, like every time i see Tim eat a burger from our favorite place, or step on the scale, or even look at someone enjoying a nice dinner. Someday this will pass but right now it just never ends! Oh and i ate a piece of pizza for the first time since Nov of last year, it was so much better than i remembered, a little joy in every bite and a reminder that things might just be getting better one bite at a time! All my love

Mary