It has been a while since i have posted on this blog. Mostly because a while back Tim got a new MAC desktop and i just haven't felt like tyring to figure out how to work it, and also because i honestly really didn't feel like posting anything.
To catch anyone up that might still be flowing this blog, i will try to start from the last blog. Since that time i have had about 2 more throat dilatation's, my 6 month scans, finished my treatment for my blood clot, haven't gained a single pound or gone on our honeymoon, gained some chest pain, other GI problems and strep throat along with some other minor but annoying health problems. Overall i would have to say things are going well. Besides the sever lack of sleep, it is currently 1 :40 in the morning and for some reason i have no desire to sleep. I am in the process of transferring most of my care to UW and it so far has been very repetitive and quite a lot of paperwork. They are very helpful and i am very fortunate to have some of the best specialists. Although i do miss the colorful hallways, stickers and lollipops after scans,xrays and labs, and seeing the friendly familiar faces of everyone at Seattle Children's it also feels good to be moving on. I will still be going to Children's for my scans every couple months. I have been navigating my way through my new health insurance and as always am grateful that i have such a supportive and hard working family that are always willing to help.
Currently, i am back in school auditing some classes i have already taken and am beginning to realize how far behind i am. I am working very hard to catch up but it is proving difficult with still having appointments almost every week. Only time will tell but i am hoping to stay and be caught back up before classes start in Feb. I have an appointment on Wed at UW with a specialist in the digestive disease center to talk about the next esophageal dilatation that should be in the next week or so and what the plan will be for the future. I have my 9 month scans early in Feb and i am looking forward to hopefully hearing good news again. It will be nice to be in school and just be able to concentrate on school and not my health. We will be starting our clinical practicums this semester and its exciting to be able to research where i want to want to go.
Timothy is doing great he is working, playing soccer and of course taking amazing care of me! We are enjoying married life but really are looking forward to taking a vacation. We and when i say "we" i really mean Tim will no longer be managing the buildings we live in. We are so extremely grateful to our company for being so understanding, compassionate and willing to work with us the past two years it has given us great experience and couldn't have asked for better property managers. We will still be in the same apartment just have to pay rent, we are looking to buy a place but are not in any hurry and Tim is really looking forward to no longer having the responsibility of the buildings. I am going to get my hair cut for the first time in a year and a half, for some reason i am scared that it will look bad. I think i just have to remember that it has been worse. My throat is feeling, well painful and swallowing food is still a big issue. I don't enjoy choking on food as it is one of my favorite things. I have eliminated dairy from my diet and that has really helped with my stomach pain and heart burn but also has eliminated quite a lot of the soft foods that i would normally eat, and the calories that i rely on. These are all things my new GI Dr gets to hear about on Wed, and again i will have to start from the beginning. I am hoping to have some tests done just to see why i am having so much pain in my throat either way i will find out soon enough.
I have found life after treatment to be more difficult than i imagined. Not that i thought i would just wake up one day and say wow i feel great everything is completely normal just like it was before. I just thought i would be feeling better than i am. Hindsight is 20/20 but when i started this i thought it would be different. I never really thought much about how or why i got cancer why. Sure i wondered if i drank some weird water, or ate too many packages of Swiss miss hot chocolate, jumped on the trampoline too many times, had to many multivitamins. Honestly I don't think there is any reason i got cancer. I don't think it is because i deserve it, or did something terribly wrong. I think it is bad genes, luck of the draw. Friends always would say how strong i was and that they couldn't handle cancer if it was them. I remember thinking i probably can't Handel it either but when you are faced with it what choice do you really have. Sometimes i would get a little bit of jealousy seeing friends backpacking though Europe, being nannies, going out for drinks and dancing and not worrying about health insurance. I would like to be that innocent again. Its funny doctors tell you to look for signs of recurrence. I feel like i am walking a thin line between being conscious of my health and feeling like a hypochondriac freak. For me life after cancer has left a bit of fear and pain that doesn't go away even after treatment is over. Cancer has made me so real and open. It has in a way given me an extra backbone, i have become more outspoken, i guess i am just not as nice as i used to be. It has also given me the ability to love, love in a way that i did not experience before and allowed me to find my voice and a understanding of life, friendship family, love and things we cannot control. Oh and when i hear Doctors or anyone one say that their are "good cancers" it just makes me want to vomit because lets be real, cancer is never good even if it is a "favorable" cancer no one really favors cancer. Sometimes i feel like it was all just a dream, and i am still waiting to wake up.
All my love
Mary
