What a year! There is so much I haven't told you. So much I havent shared. I haven't told you about how I think of my decision everyday to stop chemo and how it eats away at me, I havent told you much about my relationship with my parents and Tim, I haven't told you about my most isolated days during treatment when would just put the song home by michale buble on repeat and cry while in the hospital, or how we used to find humor in everything even the sad stories that would make anyone cry.
During treatment I was happy and positive, sometimes it would feel wrong to be that happy. I still find the transition from being a cancer patient, as a hushed word to being a cancer survivor a word of strength hard. You always hear the stories of people climbing mountains after cancer, but I feel that if you can climb into bed at night with the truth and fear you have faced to be much more amazing. I am sorry I am just not that person that could work full time and do marathons during treatment, and so many people I would talk to said the same thing. I have been more careful who I talk to about my experience, I have realized that some people simply don't respond well or even in a way that makes me feel better, and that it is ok.
Sometimes I don't feel like cancer is so misunderstood. Just because cancer left my body dosent mean it left me. When I was Finished I was dropped off in a sea on new medical problems, my feet where destroyed and left me with weeks of walking around with casts, I was throwing up twice a day and still not able to swallow my esophagus ruined with scar tissue, my skin burned and a bad case of pancreatitis and lost 10 more pounds all left me feel worse than when I started. It lead to a serious of new medical tests and diagnosis and treatment options and surgery that left me more confused than the next.
This has giving me more of a reason to get any small medical issue I have checked out, most people in their 20's have a delayed onset of symptoms and little to no medical coverage and leaves them with more advance diagnosis and a less chance of survival. When I still could not swallow for 7 months after raidation and was loosing weight I was automatically labeled as anorexic after months of complaining I had my barium swallow and the massive stricture in my esophagus was found. Your body never lies, and never let anyone tell you different. I will never forget what I read once " don't fight the cancer, fight those who get In the way of you receiving the best possible treatment."
All my love
Mary
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