Today was my Derm surgery for the melanoma on my back. I am really surprised at how much skin they removed. When they explained it to me for some reason I thought they would remove a small square or circle.....20 stitches later I am still surprised and pissed. Just as warning, you know how I am mostly positive and optimistic, this will not be one of those blogs today so if you care to stop reading this would be a good time. Today is going to be my day just one day to be angry, sad, irritated and negative. Mom always said no use in crying over spilled milk...well no one tells you what to do when you slip on that milk and cut your foot, that cut causes an infection the infection calls for antibiotics that causes a worse infection that reqiures hospitalization leads to amputation that leads to blood clots..you get the idea. Time heals all wounds blah blah blah. Like I said just one day.
So I don't know if anyone has realized that I mostly live in denial, ignorance is bliss right? Well when a dr mentions cancer I don't even think twice or blink, mostly because it comes up every other sentence and because It's like saying my heart pumps blood or I have green eyes. I almost wish they would stop looking because the more they look the more the find and then they want me to be surprised or upset and cry and all I do I sit. Frankly how can it be surprising you did a biopsy of course it could cancer. It's like winning the lottery rare but someone eventually wins, although I don't think I have ever heard of someone winning the lottery over and over again. Well today I blinked today I thought twice I let it sink in, and wow it sucks! Its not even the melanoma its everything. All I want to do is move my arm or any part of my back NO, eat a steak NO, sleep NO, not have pain NO, work NO, take a bath NO,stop complaining NO.
I saw a guy the other day who freaked out because his shopping bag broke and his frozen peas hit his toes....really???? That's your big problem your frozen peas? Really? He started yelling at the cashier about the quality of the shopping bags and the pain in his foot...really take the frozen peas out of the damn bag and ice it then! To be fair he could have had an awful day and it had nothing to do with the peas. We all have a breaking point, so i will share mine. I was playing wii the other day with Tim and we do this body fitness check it measures your balance, weight etc the It gives you a wii fit age, well my goal was to gain 5 pounds this was 5 months ago yeah I lost 8. The scale dipped to underweight and my BMI was below normal and my wii fit age was 44 years old..the animated person exasperated a sigh and then it read failed. Really I need one more reminder that I am failing I get it I am the BIGEST loser. I just started crying hysterically and Tim was really confused, I think he thinks I have a hormonal imbalance. So that was my freak out, and today was such a rude awaking. I am again waiting on the results from today's biopsy to figure out the next step, and hoping it's good. I will have to see the dermatologist every 3 months for the next year and then every 6 months for a year and similar to my sarcoma people at childrens, I should get a discount like at Costco because I'm buying medical procedures in bulk. Tim took pictures today, they kept telling him it was ok if he didn't want to see it I swear he would have scrubbed in if he could have he thought It was fascinating, me not so much.
All my anger
Mary
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